Some old stuff...

I've been going through some old stuff on my computer, and I found this Article I wrote for Urban Climber Magazine a few years back. This is the unedited version, the mag didn't want me to use the "F-Word". Read on...

Imagination and independent thought are not highly regarded these days. We are generally expected to shut up, stand in line and follow the rules. Six years of Republican administrations will do that to you. There’s not a lot of free fun any more. Oh, you wanna have fun, do ya? Then buy a ticket, get on the ride and pay $4 a gallon to find some fun, chump. Fun is now a commodity, unless you can find it for yourself. But with the right eyes, you won’t have to look too far.

When I was a little grom, skipping school to climb at Smith Rock, I walked past a woman strolling down the river trail who gave me, from her perspective, a valuable piece of information: “Why are you going to climb that, don’t you know there’s a trail that goes to the top?” Being a wise-ass, I probably responded with “Wow, thanks for the info, old lady” and kept walking. For some reason, I’ve never forgotten the example of her shortsightedness, but it does bring up a good point; Climbing as we practice it today is an abstraction. If getting to “the top” of something were the only goal, then you could take a mellow 3-hour hike to the summit of El Cap instead of spending 3 days banging away at the wall. The top of Midnight Lightning can be attained via tree, so why waste time on a boulder problem?

Climbing is more like an art form than a sport. It’s one of those rare things that are completely open to your own interpretation and practice. It’s different than other sports-like-activities in that there are no distinct measurements of achievement. There are no rebounds, RBIs or rushing yards. There are no assigned positions like halfback, point guard or pitcher. There are no set playing fields, time limits or regulation goal heights.

Some people focus on the difficulty aspect of climbing, others aim towards boldness or speed and some people just climb for fun. Some climbers spend months in the Himalayas and others spend months on a two-move boulder problem. Whatever it is, do your thing. Don’t let anybody dictate what “real climbing” is.

In that vein, you only need to look at Skateboarding for a progressive, innovative mentality towards a sport to truly realize it’s potential. In the 80’s, it was all about riding pools and half-pipes, structures designed or adapted specifically for skateboarding, until the evolution of street-style-skating. At that moment, the whole world became a skate park; everything could be ridden.

In the early 90’s, a group of Skateboarders in Portland started one of the most ambitious do-it-yourself projects in recent history. Looking for a dry and harassment-free place to skate in rainy PDX, this crew rounded up some concrete and shovels and made their way underneath a downtown bridge. Those first few banks and ramps were the foundation of what is now the Burnside Skate Park, a massive selection of terrain that is known world-wide, immensely respected within the skating community and built entirely by volunteers with their own money.

Most of us have saved up cash to visit some super-bitchin’ climbing area hundreds of miles away. Plenty of us have built little torture chambers out of plywood and plastic to stay fit. But you only need to look around you to see that we are surrounded by rock, a man-made rock called concrete.

When people talk about recycling, they use terms like “pre or post-consumer waste”, meaning the creative use of what most people throw away. Buildering is possibly the best use of massive consumer waste for the purpose of fun. By definition, it is recycling; by turning a huge, bland, soul-less piece industrial stone into an object of entertainment, challenge, diversion or whatever you want. It’s creating a use and a destination from dead space.

To borrow from a famous boulder problem in the Gunks, have a look at these man-made crags with “A New Pair of Glasses” to see what could be possible: The steep angles underneath bridges, parking lot ramps and stairs, the massive rounded bulges on freeway supports and the ubiquitous, clean-cut 90 degree arêtes on the corners of every building…the same cool features we look for at climbing areas.

This wide world of concrete is a blank canvas for climbers. But “blank” is not a good thing when you’re trying to climb. And so just as an artist steps to a canvas with his paints, the chemical gods have granted us with our own medium: epoxy.

Say you’ve found a steep angled wall that’s devoid of anything to hang onto. Any glued-on little nugget, edge, chunk, blob or pebble can potentially be used to turn a grey, lifeless, overhanging slab into a burly array of routes. The most barren arête, boring vertical wall or lame corner can become a masterpiece of technical moves, all thanks to our friends in the industrial adhesive business.

The potential of what could be done is nuts. Think about it. A handful of rocks, a $3 tube of epoxy and a wall of concrete is all you need. Every shitty industrial part of every town could have it’s own bouldering area. Places that are devoid of rock could become destinations. Lincoln, Nebraska could be the next Bishop, California. OK, that’s a big stretch of the imagination, but you get the idea.

The good news is the best potential places for such a project are located in areas that attract the least amount of attention. Chances are, the spaces around giant retaining walls and huge bridge pillars are not the best pieces of real estate in town, so your presence would be less conspicuous than trying to press out a mantel on top of the neighborhood 7-11.

So what’s the main obstacle to creating something like this? To sum it up in one word, it would have to be: Validation. If you’ve read this far and you have some comprehension of what we’re discussing, you probably have figured out that this is not entirely acceptable or 100% legal, as far as the larger community is concerned. There will be people who consider it vandalism, trespassing, etc. There will be people who have no interest or understanding of climbing, and even less of a willingness to try and understand and appreciate it. There is no easy answer to dealing with these people. The best method is to treat them with gentle respect and pity, because these sad fucks are already dead inside.

But finding validation within the climbing community itself could be an obstacle. Every new aspect of climbing is invariably met with some kind of resistance. This is the same mentality that derided John Bachar for bolting on hooks, slandered Alan Watts for working out moves by hang-dogging and thought that John Gill was wasting his talents by just bouldering. This myopic view of what climbing is and where climbing should be has rarely created anything of progress, so why bother with seeking their acceptance?

What we do is hard to describe and even harder to contain into a singular interpretation of climbing. It grows and evolves without eliminating any of preceding forms of climbing. There is a massive amount of potential that is all around us, if you know how to find it.

C.O.R.N. C.O.B

The title is an acronym. It means Central Oregon Really Needs Concentrated, Obvious Bouldering. Because what currently exists is neither concentrated nor obvious.

So last week I went back to Oregon for Thanksgiving. Mostly to chill with the family and eat a shit-load of mashed potatoes, but the weather was good enough to check out a few of my favorite Bend-area bouldering areas.

So join me for a little trip down memory lane...

Soon after the mighty Jim Karn moved to Bend from another town full of dirty hippies (Boulder, Colorado), he put up a sloping lip traverse called "Snail Trail" at Meadow Camp. I mean really slopey.



It starts on a wide, flat edge rail on the left "wing" of the boulder and tops out somewheres in the upper right of the photo. You may remember this boulder problem from the cover of the 1996 catalog for Jim's clothing company, Worm. And if you do remember that, it means you are one of about 20 or 30 people and you're at least 40 years old.

A few months after that, I found a feeble array of basalt blocks by Tumalo Creek. I started calling it "The Tick Ranch" after I came home and found four parasites had burrowed into my skin after a little cleaning session.

The Tick Ranch's only real claim to fame is a route that Alan Watts put up some time in the late 70's or early 80's. It's an 11d (French 7a for you Euros) that goes up an overhanging corner and out a roof. At that time, it was probably the hardest route in Oregon. And it looks like this:



Yes, I know that 11d is not really a big number, but you have to put it into context: It's an 11d protected by thin wires, on slick basalt patina. And this was before Spanish rubber, so Big Al was most likely wearing shitty EBs and sporting a Swami, no leg loops. All of this means extra credit points for being a bad-ass.

One of those boulders I called "The Ming Boulder", short for Mingus, a variation of Jingus, which means shitty or heinous. Not much to do in Bend but think up stupid slang and drink heavily.

I squeezed out a few problems on this block, "The Ming" and the "Ming Traverse".



The Ming is a little 2-move vert face problem on the left of the photo. John Cronin got the FA and called it V9, because every Cronin problem is V9.

The Ming Traverse starts around the other side of the boulder, passes the pine tree and finishes above the Ming face. It's somewhere in the V7/V8 range. The pine tree is really close to the boulder, so I would take a 2x4 and prop it away from the rock to give me some space to pass by. That's some MacGyver-type shit.

Soon enough, Cronin got the FA on another problem I had been trying a hundred yards away from the Ming block. It starts with a sit-down near the small cave on the left of the photo and moves around to the right, finishing on a slab on the back side.



Cronin graded this V11, which means it may be the only Cronin problem not graded V9. He called it "Path of the Righteous Man" after that famous speech in Pulp fiction...



You may think that the theme of this little blog session is "A tribute to sloping lip traverses". And you would be correct in assuming that. But you have to work with what you got in Central Oregon: a shitload of sloping lip traverses.

That does not mean there is a lack of rock in the area, actually there is plenty of rock. But 99.999% of it is just too short for decent climbing. As Metolius employee Erik Von Heidiken once said "Central Oregon would be the greatest bouldering area in the world if you were 12 inches tall".

Important info about Machetes

If you're confused about this title and topic, please refer to the previous post about New Bouldering Areas. Then it will totally make sense and you'll understand how incredibly important and relevant this is.

As the proud owner of a new Machete which I have purchased to hack any obstructing vegetation out of a New Bouldering Area, I would like to introduce you with a few other owners of Machetes, many of them cooler than me.

JASON VORHEES

For reals, I think that this is Sarah Palin, not Jason Vorhees. Why, you ask? Because he wore a hockey mask and killed teenagers who were trying to have sex in the woods.

INDIANA JONES

Han Solo's gonna carve you up, punk! Then he'll whip you. Seriously, a whip? What kind of fruit-cake uses a whip? Is he trying to be a dominatrix? Where's the black stiletto boots to go with that whip, Mistress Jones?

DANNY TREJO

I once met Danny Trejo at a mall in Salt Lake. He was buying shoes. He is also much shorter than he appears on film. But I still think he could beat the shit out of me. Just look at him.

DUDES IN FRANK FRAZETTA POSTERS


OK, that last one is not really a Machete. It's more like a sword. I'm putting it on here as a reference to my future plans...

Now that I have a bitchin' crag-grooming instrument like a Machete, I may need an equally bitchin' Chevy Van. On the side of the Van, there will be a big, Frank-Frazetta-style, air-brushed painting of me and my Machete, on top of a volcano, wearing a Viking helmet, with a girl wrapped around my leg. And I'm totally slaying a dragon, with a Machete.

It will look something like this:



Why would I do that? So that when I pull up to your local crag, You will know I mean business. Nobody drives a van like this unless they intend to kick massive ass. And you will say to yourself: "I bet that motherfucker has a Machete inside that van".

One last thing: Sorry it took me 6 weeks to write more stuff on the blog. Just been busy.

2010 Spot

In case you missed my constant spray about the 2010 line of Revolution Crash Pads, here's some more. But this one is a little different because it's not really about Pads specifically. It's about the cosmic anomaly that is known as The Spot.

In case you've never heard of The Spot, which I assume means you've been living in a fucking cave for the last 15 years, this is one of the most versatile pieces of climbing gear ever made. In 1994, the one and only Mike Call came up the the basic idea behind this baby when he wasn't busy doing his Spielberg/Scorsese thing.



The idea behind this rig is that it is a lean, mobile bouldering pad, a very capable backpack, a rope bag, there's even been a few folks who have specifically used this for Yoga. Nice one, Hippies! Work your Chakras!

Anyways, here's what's new this year: the Pack System. We sell the majority of The Spots to Japan, and we were getting a few concerns about Spot customers of "shorter stature". So we did the same 3-option pack height set-up that we have on the Mission Pads and the 12-G.


As for the open size, it's 48" x 27" x 1.125".


Before you ask, the answer is Yes: that extra 1/8 of an inch on the thickness means something, we're not just artificially jacking up the thickness to look cool. It's a lamination on the top of the foam that provides a more rigid landing area and improves the over-all life of The Spot's foam. So there.

1/2 Off Crash Pad Sale

We have about a dozen of last year's Crash Pads sitting around here, so we figured that we might as well get 'em out the door and make some space for the new stuff. So we're offering 50% off the remaining 08/09 Crash Pads.

Here's the breakdown:

12-Gauge Pad (54" x 48" x 5") now $212 - 5 remaining
Mission Pad (48" x 41" x 3.625") now $138 - 4 remaining
Commando Pad (41" x 32" x 3") now $89.50 - 2 remaining

As far as we can tell, this is the best deal on Crash Pads at the moment. Not to mention these are QUALITY Pads. So if you're interested, give us a free call (877-2-BOULDER) or do the e-mail thing: info@revolutionclimbing.com

Crash Pad art

So we've been messing around with a few new things on the Crash Pads. For years, we've had a small rubber logo on the side of the Pads, but with the current production run, we have a larger silk-screened logo on the side.

Another option that hit me this summer is vinyl banners. We had a big one made for this summer's OR show, and it got me thinking. Since this is a sew-able material, we could use it on some of our products. I made a sample backpack, which didn't really come out perfect, but you get the idea...


But there is a lot of crazy shit we could do with this. The only problem is that it's way more expensive than our standard fabrics. But it may be worth it, especially if we did a line of Crash Pads with Playboy centerfolds...
Note the Revolution tattoo on Miss February's ass. Really classy, huh?

End of Upholstery, End of an Era

So we have some bad news for you: The shoe-cleaning upholstery fabrics that have been a staple of Cordless and Revolution Crash Pads for the last 14 years will be going away. Don't worry, it won't happen for another six months or so, but it's going to happen.



Here's the problem: Almost all of the mills that make this material in the USA are moving, or have moved production to Asia. We used Automobile upholstery, the same stuff that covers the seats in your kick-ass Buick LeSabre.



But the US Auto industry is in a swan dive, so the domestic demand has fallen off. It's kind of an ugly way to learn about economics, huh?

So the only way we could have a consistent, inexpensive supply of this fabric is if we purchased a boat container quantity of fabric rolls. And that would cost us about $150,000. In other words, it ain't going to happen anytime soon.

But we have another idea to remedy this situation: The little Ammo Rugs. These small rugs are easily available for us now and in the future.


Plus, it makes more sense to have a separate shoe-cleaning utensil that's not built into the Pad: The area where you need to place a Crash Pad is not always at the base of the boulder problem, where you would need a rug.

So when we run out of Upholstery, we will be including the rugs with our Crash Pads. So it's not really bad news, just a little change.

Commando Part 3

Just in case you have no idea of what "Commando Part 3" means, I am not suggesting that there is a sequel to that Schwarzenegger film, although it would be totally bitchen' if there was.



No, this is a sequel to my little spray session about the Commando Crash Pad.

We're doing a little production run of the Commandos right now, about 60 of them. The total amount of fabric needed for these Pads is 1845 square feet, if you include the new shoulder strap. That's 171 square meters, for you guys on the metric system. And the amount of waste is a mere 1200 square inches (.77 square meters), which looks like this...



Think about that. 1845 square feet of fabric. That is roughly the same area as a three-bedroom house. And all the waste can be held in your hands. All the materials are sourced in North America and all the production is done right here in Salt Lake.

That's why I call the Commando the most efficient Pad we have ever made. Possibly the most efficient Crash Pad, period.

And if that ain't enough, we're doing this run of Commandos in Black and Camo fabric, in honor of Schwarzenegger and his goofy-ass films.




"Ja, now I am totally zee Gofenor of Cullyfonia, so Fack Yoo."

Southern by the grace of God

We just cut the fabric for about 200 Crash Pads, so I figured this is the time for a little project, a favor to our homeboy in Atlanta, Chris Sierzant.

He wants a custom Crash Pad with the Confederate flag on top, where the shoe-cleaning upholstery fabric usually is. You can almost hear the Dixie National Anthem playing in the background.

More new holds

So I was adding up all the new shapes we've made in the last year. Care to take a guess on how many that is?

Over 500 new holds. That includes the reshaped Training Holds and the ones we just finished today. That's larger than some companies entire lines.

Obviously, this means we need to get our shit together and put new photos of these holds on the main Revolution website. Sorry for the delay on that, the last 5 months have been the busiest I can remember.

Here's what we've got finished today: XL Edges sets 1 and 2, XL Granite sets 1 and 2 (5 holds per set. We're also re-shaping a few of the XXL Slopers and there will be new sets of the Limestone Large 1 and 2. Peep the photos:

Vaya con Dios, Mixing Barrel

Our boy Chris Sierzant, owner of the Escalade Gym in Atlanta, and a few of his crew stopped by for a few days and we put them to work moving the Revolution shop.

For those of you who ever poured plastic for Pusher or Revolution (which is about 75% of the Salt Lake climbing community), we have a bit of nostalgia for you: the mixing barrel/tilt stand rig is no more.



This big-ass contraption mixed and poured about 2.5 million pounds of plastic, from Pusher, S7, Revolution and most recently, a line of custom climbing holds for Backyard Adventures.


A very brief service was held in its honor, then it was given away to a local scrap metal yard. See you in hell, giant chunk of iron.

We'll be movin' on up...

... like George Jefferson.

Yes, it's been almost a month since we put anything on the Blog site. Just busy.

We're moving to a new shop, which means we are putting all the machines, products, office stuff, etc. in a big-ass truck and driving about a half-mile down the road.

One thing that ain't going with us is the climbing wall. 14 feet high, starting at 50 degrees overhanging and curving to a level top-out. That's the benefit of high ceilings.

And it's up for grabs if anyone wants it, free. Here's a shot after we removed the panels and the studs:

New 12-G Crash Pad

We've been working on some updates to the 12-Gauge Pad, just like the Mission Pad and the Commando Pad

We're going with a slightly new name for this baby: The 12-G Pad. Not much different than the old name, we know. But it's nice and simple and I'm too damn busy to think up anything better. Sorry.

For the closure straps, we put on big top and bottom flaps that connect to the side flap via two metal buckles. Again, nice and simple.



And in that top flap we built in a big pocket. We're going with pockets on the top because we believe that they're more accessible that way; It's quicker and easier than opening up the side flap to dig out your car keys.



This massive sumbitch measures 54" x 48" x 5" and weighs in at respectable 19 lbs.

The 2009 Revolution Crash Pad Line

(click here for a big-ass image of the Pads)

We've been doing this for almost 14 years, longer than anybody else. We have developed about 4 dozen different, original models and innovative designs for five different companies. So we are pleased to introduce the best line of Crash Pads we have ever made.

I just finished the prototypes and these rigs are tough. 1680 denier Ballistics Nylon shells, stitched together with a new bonded nylon thread, 37% stronger than our previous thread, bar-tacked stress points, adjustable height and adjustable use Pack systems. And of course, the highest quality, longest lasting foam available today. And it's all sourced and manufactured right here in the USA.

Sounds like a lot of spray, right? Well how's this sound; We are willing to put these Pads in a side-by-side comparison next to ANY Crash Pad made today, under any conceivable stress or type of wear. And we are certain that Revolution Pads will be the last ones standing.

We don't spray, we don't exaggerate, we don't talk a lot of bullshit. We simply believe in our product. We believe in making the best bouldering gear possible.

These bad boys will be on display at the 2009 Summer Outdoor Retailer. Stop by the booth and check 'em out. We will be going into full production in late August or early September. So start saving your money, because this is worth it.

The Man

In 1994, I took a little road trip along the California Sierras. Working my way south, I stopped by the little bouldering area of Deadman's Pass. I put in a little session and met a guy who needed a lift back to Mammouth, a few miles down the road. He said he was staying next to a guy who had a climbing wall in his backyard and the owner was cool with people coming over to climb.

So we rolled into Mammouth, I grabbed my shoes and checked out one of the coolest walls I had ever seen. After a little warming up, a lean blond guy walked out of the house. I remember thinking to myself "Dude, that's fucking Bachar!".

He sat back, sipped a beer and we bullshitted about various climbing stuff. The topic of climbing didn't really demand all of his focus, I could tell he had been having the same conversation for about 2 decades.

It turned out, the guy I had given a lift to happened to be a musician, a trumpet player. At this point, Bachar lit up, full of interest and the topic turned to their mutual love of Jazz. Bachar was a talented Sax player and he invited the guy to come over and jam, just for the hell of it.

This isn't about me, and it's not some kind of "Yeah, me and John were tight" kind of story. What impressed me about the guy was his interests far beyond climbing, his generosity in letting us climb on his wall and his general lack of ego.

It's really hard to explain. I'm sure that he was an inspiration to thousands of climbers. But his character should not be forgotten, either. He was the fucking man.

New XL Hold Shapes

We've been screwing around in the shaping room again. We've got 12 new shapes that are currently in the foam stage: 10 new XL Pinches and 2 new XL Balls (the green ones in the photos). They all come in sets of 5. Give us a couple of weeks to mold them and they'll be ready to roll.

These aren't the highest quality photos, but click on them for a larger view. Check it out.

Melloblocco - The Aftermath

During our little stay at Melloblocco,, we had a room at the "Casa delle Guide" for a few days.

And then we got the bill. Which is not really a big deal, until you check out what we spent at the bar...



That's 354 Euros, or an even $500. And that's just the bar tab. There is a lesson to be learned here: Never give climbers a line of credit on booze.

Commando Part 2

Hey, Everybody. Here's some more info that you may or may not find interesting.

I would like to introduce you to a little known aspect about new Commando Crash Pad that I think is really cool. After 14 years of designing dozens and dozens of different Crash Pad models, this is without a doubt the most efficient Crash Pad I have ever made.

Here's one example: Rolls of fabric come in standard widths of 58" or roughly 1.5 meters. A product designer needs to find the best usage of this area, or else the remaining fabric would be wasted. And that would just be dumb.

So I designed the 09 Commando and it's patterns to lay out at a perfect 58" x 36". The main body, the side flaps, the top and bottom flaps, all of it. The result is less than 1/2 of 1% of the total area is waste. This is an exceptionally good use of fabric. Check it out:



That ain't all. The Commando also uses minimal energy to put it all together. The eight different pieces of fabric require just 18 short cuts (145 total inches of cutting) with a stack cutter (a vertical blade that cuts fabric), 16 passes under the single-needle machine and 13 passes under the bar-tacker. That means less electricity used in the production of this baby.

And since we're on the subject of energy consumption, there's one more important aspect to address: we don't float these Crash Pads in from China. They are all manufactured right here in our humble little shop in Salt Lake. In fact, we are the largest manufacturer of Crash Pads that does NOT outsource production to China, Honduras, Philipines, etc.



I can also get into the efficient use of foam, but you're bored by now, right?

2009 Commando Pad

Here's the info on the updated Commando Pad. Like the Mission, the Commando still has the same dimensions as the last couple years (41" x 32" x 3"), but the major differences are in the transportation/carrying system.



There is now one padded shoulder strap and 3 metal buckles that can be configured to carry this baby 3 different ways. Just thread the webbing ends through these several optional points.



We also made the top and bottom flaps a little longer and wider to keep your stuff inside. We're just finishing the prototypes now. In about a month, it's going into full production.

Revolution European Website

A massive update on the Rev E.U. site. It's only been up for a few days now, but we will continue to throw on lots of cool info. Check it out...

http://www.revolutionclimbing.eu/

... and spend some money! Because the German economy is on the verge of falling apart without you! Don't you watch the news?

2009 Mission Pad

Here's what we've been working on. We're doing some upgrades to the Revolution Crash Pad line. The Mission still has the same dimensions as the last 2 years (48" x 41" x 3.625"), but we've moved around some things on the fabric shells and added a few features.


NEW BACKPACK SET-UP
This one is cool. We've had a few complaints from shorter climbers about the shoulder strap-to-hip belt area being a little to large for them, so we are doing a removable shoulder strap that can be mounted in a higher or lower place.

We've also made the back of the pack area a little more narrow, so that it better fits the small of your back and the hip belt is a little more snug.

I'll throw on some photos of the new shoulder strap soon. Needless to say, it's bitchen'. We are using a .375" thick EVA foam in this strap, which means that it's thicker (more comfortable) and longer lasting. EVA foam is the type of stuff used in padding Tennis Shoes, so it's designed to last.

"MUDFLAPS"
No, not this kind of mud flaps...

We're talking about a little modified design to keep the back of the Mission Pad clean...

The same side, top and bottom flaps used to close and secure the Mission Pad can be folded in the opposite direction when the Pad is open and ready for climbing useage. This means that you can cover the Backpack area of the Pad to keep it free of mud, dirt, etc. that would otherwise cover your clothes when you're carrying the Pad (the above photo shows the back or "ground" side of the Mission).

NEW POCKET
Changed this Sumbitch, too. For years, we've mounted the velcro-closing pocket on the side flap. We decided to add a top flap with a pocket so's you don't have to open the pad to access the pocket. The actual pocket opening is on the inside of the flap, just an extra measure to keep your stuff safe.


That's it for now. I'll throw on more info about the modified Commando Pad as soon as I can. Later.

Like a Boss

So this is the new theme song down here at Revolution World Headquarters. Whenever you have some important shit to do, do it "like a boss"

Krom!

Oh yeah, one more thing: I just bought the Double DVD of the Conan the Barbarian films. Both of 'em.

Screw that "Lord of the Rings" crap with the dwarves and fairies and shit. This is all about stabbing people with a sword.

Plus it has the best movie quote ever...
Mongol General:Conan! What is best in life?
Conan: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.

That's deep, yo.