Monday, November 23, 2009

Important info about Machetes

If you're confused about this title and topic, please refer to the previous post about New Bouldering Areas. Then it will totally make sense and you'll understand how incredibly important and relevant this is.

As the proud owner of a new Machete which I have purchased to hack any obstructing vegetation out of a New Bouldering Area, I would like to introduce you with a few other owners of Machetes, many of them cooler than me.


For reals, I think that this is Sarah Palin, not Jason Vorhees. Why, you ask? Because he wore a hockey mask and killed teenagers who were trying to have sex in the woods.


Han Solo's gonna carve you up, punk! Then he'll whip you. Seriously, a whip? What kind of fruit-cake uses a whip? Is he trying to be a dominatrix? Where's the black stiletto boots to go with that whip, Mistress Jones?


I once met Danny Trejo at a mall in Salt Lake. He was buying shoes. He is also much shorter than he appears on film. But I still think he could beat the shit out of me. Just look at him.


OK, that last one is not really a Machete. It's more like a sword. I'm putting it on here as a reference to my future plans...

Now that I have a bitchin' crag-grooming instrument like a Machete, I may need an equally bitchin' Chevy Van. On the side of the Van, there will be a big, Frank-Frazetta-style, air-brushed painting of me and my Machete, on top of a volcano, wearing a Viking helmet, with a girl wrapped around my leg. And I'm totally slaying a dragon, with a Machete.

It will look something like this:

Why would I do that? So that when I pull up to your local crag, You will know I mean business. Nobody drives a van like this unless they intend to kick massive ass. And you will say to yourself: "I bet that motherfucker has a Machete inside that van".

One last thing: Sorry it took me 6 weeks to write more stuff on the blog. Just been busy.