So once again, it's been a month since I've written anything. I'm really starting to screw up this whole Blog thing. But now I'm making up for that lost time by resolving some of the most pressing issues of our time. Read on.....
COKE VS. PEPSI
Coke is better than Pepsi. Always has been. So there, it's settled. Shut the fuck up, Pepsi. Now we can finally end the stupidest debate in human history.
CAKE VS. PIE
This is a very tricky topic, but one who's answer is easy to rationalize: Cake tastes good because it's made with a lot of sugar. Pie tastes good because it's made with a lot of sugar AND a lot of butter. Therefore, Pie is better.
And this is based on a side by side comparison, both being served individually at room temperature. If one were to heat up the Pie and add Ice Cream, the Pie's superiority is magnified by a factor of 50. Whereas, heating up Cake is just plain disgusting and adding Ice Cream to it makes the Cake a sloppy mess.
Another thing to consider is the special events or occasions these two desserts are served at: Cake is usually served at birthdays or weddings, events about "me". Pie on the other hand is served at Thanksgiving and family picnics, events about "us". So Cake is a narcissistic jerk.
Finally, I have to give credit where it's due: this topic was started by my man Josh Helke at Organic. He even dedicated a T-Shirt to this grand query. Evidently, he has a lot of spare time.
FONTAINEBLEAU VS. HUECO TANKS
Ooooooooh, something about climbing. I know that this is an old-school debate, since better bouldering areas have been found in South Africa and New Zealand. But who wants to sit on an airplane for 37 hours to find out how much more bitchen' those places are? Not me. I'm containing this argument to Font v. Hueco.
Much of this depends on what style of climbing you prefer. Super-steep, powerful moves on little edges or more vert-angled, technical climbing on massive slopers.
And both areas have obvious drawbacks; Would you prefer to sit around and wait for the rare occasion when it stops raining (Fontainebleau) or would you rather pay a guide and get treated like a fucking 10-year-old on a field trip to the local Zoo (Hueco Tanks)?
But there is one thing that these two areas have in common: Although they are both populated by climbers I want to hang out with, they are both surrounded by people that annoy the shit out of me: Texans and French people.
TEXANS VS. FRENCH PEOPLE
I know that putting a picture of Bush next to De Gaulle is going to piss off a lot of French people, like putting a picture of Stalin next to the Dalai Lama. By the way, what would Stalin vs. Lama look like?
The Lama is a nice guy and all, but Stalin had the kick-ass Burt Reynolds moustache, so The Bandit wins.
But this whole "Texans vs. French People" debate is a little too complex. So let's simplify this debate even more...
COWBOY HATS VS. BERETS
One hat says: "I'm an ignorant dip-shit who voted for Dubya, twice". The other hat says: "I'm a pretentious douche-bag who reads his own poetry out loud".
By the way, did you know that "douche" means "shower" in French? Something to think about...
But I think that we can find some middle ground on this, if one were to find combination of these two annoying hats into one hat that nobody likes: Police Hats.
Taaaaa-Daaaaa! (or as the French say: Viola')